new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
