thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
