WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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