ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
