3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
