New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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