I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
