Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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