I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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