I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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