I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
