Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
