Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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