I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
