I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
