the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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