Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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