I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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