I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
