just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
