You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
