Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
