i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
