went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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