It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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