so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
