You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
