So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
