um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
