I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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