Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
