I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
