I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
