what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
