high people should be assigned attendants
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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