i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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