did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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