Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
