true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she told me i tasted like america
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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