I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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