you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
