I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
