This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
