weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
