I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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