Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
