just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
