The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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