That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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