she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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