I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
