Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
